since most of you don’t seem to understand how i feel. here’s some brief description. (ooh and i mean briefff)

1. you try to resort to being rational. stop the irrationality. despite the pain, stand up straight, keep your head up. act like everything’s normal. but all that’s happening is you think, believe and act irrationally. below are some of the most irrational thoughts of a sick 19-year old. 

before you read on, let me warn you that i know these are all immature, but i couldn’t help from feeling the things i felt. i’m sorry. i’m not in the intention at all to offend anyone. this is just me, feeling the things i feel. and i know all of you undrstand that i write out my feelings better than i say them out loud. and i know that most of the readers are friends. so this is just so you know these are the things that’s been happening and i couldn’t help feeling this way. 

these are the frank babbles of nadhirah bt abdul khalim.

2. you know when you don’t understand something that the teacher already told the whole class, and then when the teacher refers to that “thing” she already told the whole class, and the whole class nods and you go like “what’s that “thing”?”, and nobody answers. and then your left blank throughout the whole class while everybody seems to be happy understanding. that’s kind of how it goes lots of times in class now. not all classes and not necessarily the same situation, but you get what i mean right? like that time teacher asked “nad where’s that homework i gave?” and i’m like “i didn’t do it teacher” and she goes “hmm, stand outside the class lah kalau mcm tu”. when i badly wanted to say “but the class never told me anything about that handout having to be sent in when i asked them about it”

3. when you already feel bad enough that you’re sick and so very dependable, you can’t walk, always feel the air so cold, the netball team enters the open without you knowing anything. suddenly they’re talking about the matches in front of you. i’ve already felt lefted out the way it already is. this just acknowledges the fact that i’m out of the court.

4. you stand strong mentally as you very much refuse to use a wheelchair. but when you can’t walk, you’re all alone stranded somewhere where you just fell. you can’t stand up. you call your friends and nobody answers the phone. that’s still ok with me. but when finally some of them do pick up the phone and i ask “can you come by me?”, they answer “but i’m in my room la” or “tp homwek stats kite x siap lg”

5. when you try call your friends during the hardest times and needs your help and it’s either they don’t pickup, or they pickup and give excuses. and then when they see you like, live in front of their faces, they go “naaaad, kenape x calllll?” with this worried face on. it’s probably your fault for calling them and say “boleh datang bilik kite jap x?” instead of “boleh tolong kite? kite sakit la”. but still you can’t help wondering “they still don’t know me yet huh by now. almost two freakin ending years already”

6. you’re not done with your laundry. the laundry basket is full of dry clothes ready to be tidied up into the locker. not only that, but the bed is full of dry clothes too ready to be tidied up. but you’ve never had the energy to tidy and settle it out because you’re too paranoid that you’ll be spending time with the laundry you’ll lose the energy and time you need to cope with your studies. and your friends come in and go “omg your room is soo messy”.

7. when you’re so hungry, your friends are eating in the room. you step out of the room because you can’t stand the head ache and cannot control your facial expressions any longer, you close the door behind you and start trembling with all the pain, and drops everything. and you hear your friends laughing and having fun inside the room.

8. when you start to tremble, your whole body feels numb, you feel nauseous, the people around either immaturely makes fun of you because of the things you start doing when that happens (because they think you’re ok with it) or  they start to give these weird looks like “what the hell are you doing?”.

9. [many more shits unnecessary to post]

LIFE LESSONS ALLAH KEEP TEACHING ME BUT I WAS JUST SNOBBISHLY STUBBORN TO LISTEN (dayum nad dayum you)

here’s a video from a friend (the below one, had to resort to a new video post). she posted it to me on facebook. bella i love you so much okay.

dud with the balloon aina insyi and herself bought me. i loved the elmo company. ngee ngee

i don’t want to feel the air colder than it actually is

i don’t want to consider wheelchairs

i don’t want to consider one year breaks

i don’t want to be left out of the netball team

i don’t want to feel like a disabled

i want to walk right

i want to play netball

i want to study 

i want to go to University of Sydney in July 2011

people will be sending me off in KLIA with me wearing the black MARA jacket and black pointed formal shoes

i will work my ass off and play shit hard

(more gently is as coach said it: work hard play hard, IB 45 here i come…..or more realistically, IB 39 here i come)

first and foremost, let me recap to all you lot the 26th hadith,

“dari Abu Hurairah r.a. bahawasanya seseorang lelaki telah berkata kepada Nabi s.a.w.: Berilah wasiat kepadaku. Sahut Nabi: Janganlah engkau marah. Kemudian ia mengulangi beberapa kali. Sabdanya: Janganlah engkau marah.” diriwayatkan oleh Bukhari

Like Rasulullah said, JANGAN MARAH. he meant don’t bow yourself to the nafs of angst. and since nafs, is so hard to not follow, he also mentioned this,

“Jauhilah kemarahan, kerana ia adalah bara api yang bernyala-nyala dalam anak Adam, cubalah lihat bila salah seorang kamu dalam kemarahan, kedua matanya merah, urat lehernya kelihatan timbul. apabila salah seorang berasa marah maka hendaklah ia berbaring atau duduk di atas bumi”

BAM BAM BAMMMMM!

ahh ahh ahh!!

…“bara api yang bernyala-nyala dalam anak Adam” 

ya Allah, this is tooo true! i mean, since I got here, i’ve kind of took this nyalaan for granted. i always blamed my angst on the pain in my head. i’ve always excused myself by pampering myself when i got angry by telling myself “it’s ok nad, you’re having to tolerate with so much pain, of course you’ll blow up at any time”

damn it nad that’s not the way it goes!

i talked to my very good “mother”. (hahs, kak ain sorry, tp betul kan?). so she gave me this BAM effect. she said

“nad, you know some of this is your fault, you know syaitan will always be by your weakness just waiting to manipulate that weakness and use it to its own benefit”

*sighs

i remembered the ustaz yesterday said this

“syaitan has NOTHING to do. we have to do this and that, chase here and there. on the other hand, syaitan has ALL  its time to manipulate our weaknesses”

i’ve been letting exactly that happen, let syaitan rule over. nauzubilLah.

it’s so hard not to. but i can’t let this weakness of mine be the strength and fun of syaitannnnnn!

suppossedly the deen itself is nasihah (refer to the 7th hadith).

i should tawakkal, serahkan sume kekuatan biar bawah naungan Allah!! not perasan perasan myself. (faham ke?)

to my dear dear friends,

i’m really very sorry for all the pulled down very long ugly faces i’ve put on at the intolerable times. 

i love you guys k.

allow me to reminisce some more rayas. harr. i freakin miss my family. 2 weeks more till i come homememememememe!

ok i get it. this is like the how-many post of reminiscing raya. basically reminiscing raya means reminiscing the times with my family meaning, I MISS MY FAMILY.